if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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