Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
