from now on my penis is your penis
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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