Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
