She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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