A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
