Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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