so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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