I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
