There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am spending my child support on dildos
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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