her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
