the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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