just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
