some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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