God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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