I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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