Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
