I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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