I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
