I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
