im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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