I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
