God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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