Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
they're like a gay fantastic four
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
