If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
