u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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