Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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