My hand turned me down
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
