your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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