I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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