Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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