i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
