I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
