Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
