I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize