The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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