U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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