If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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