I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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