I got chris browned last night
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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