I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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