guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I am morally bankrupt
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
