I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize