No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
