Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
