Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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