if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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