I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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