if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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