He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
