I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
