she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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