12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
