remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize