I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
