17 year olds will be the death of me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
